By far, this is the topic I am asked about most frequently and, BY FAR, the topic that most people don’t understand well enough to be helpful. Personality informs every thought, feeling, and behavior of your day. Personality impacts the quality of your relationships, your success in school and work, and even your physical health. Your personality is also completely unique to you and no other person will ever really understand it. But many very smart people have worked for decades to understand personality better and make it more useful. So here is what we know so far.
What Is Personality
The word “personality” is term used to describe a stable set of traits that are common to all people and that inform their preferences. Basically, your personality tells you how you like to do things. How do you respond to stress? Do you like change? How do you like to plan? Do you enjoy praise? These are examples of questions that might help you understand your personality traits. Based on those questions, personality assessments assign a score on a continuum between two poles: high, medium, or low. Older personality tests used a four factor scale, measuring only four traits. Newer assessments use a five factor scale and break down Super traits into a collection of sub-traits to make them easier to understand. Seven factor scales exist, but they are very complex and, in my opinion, harder to use.
Where Does Personality Come From
This was a very controversial question once upon a time. Significant time and energy in the world of psychology was dedicated to answering this question: are we born or made? Turns out, as you might imagine, it’s a bit of both. Personality comes from three places.
- Genetics: very early studies put it as low as 40%, I’ve seen recent studies that say exactly 73%, but mostly we can agree that between 60–80% of your personality is genetic, inherited through your genes.
- Experience: another contributor to your personality is your direct lived experience, set between the ages of 4 and 7. The reasoning here is that under the age of 4, you aren’t able to remember much, or make much meaning. After the age of 7, you have more agency so you tend to act on what you want. But between 4 and 7 you have very formative experiences that teach you how the world “is” and what you must be to function in it.
- Culture: the last piece of the personality puzzle is the culture you live in. When I say culture, I mean the shared set of norms we all generally agree to. For instance, if you are a young child living in a culture that does not praise children, your preference for praise and giving praise will be impacted.
What Personality Is Not
Personality is not performance. Say it with me again, because you’ll want to forget it. YOUR PERSONALITY DOES NOT DICTATE YOUR PERFORMANCE. Sometimes people use their personality as an excuse for bad behavior. That’s just the way they “are”. Bullshit. Remember that your personality informs how you prefer to do things, but it does not mean you must do things that way. I am naturally high in my Need for Stability, which means I react to stress very quickly and intensely. If I’m having a bad day, I will for sure want to yell at people. But that is just counterproductive. Instead, I spend a little extra energy regulating myself and then I go home and take a nap. Your personality is not your performance.
Your personality isn’t bad. There is no such thing as a bad personality. That’s just not how personality is measured. There are people who have clinical disorders, and sometimes the traits of personality are used to inform the definitions of those disorders. But personalities preferences aren’t good or bad. It’s the decisions we make about our behavior that decides or character. This also means that you shouldn’t blame your dislike of someone on their personality. You can have differences of performance with someone and still like them, but it’s easier when you know what those differences are so you can communicate more effectively.
Your personality doesn’t really change. The traits of personality are called traits because they are stable. Behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, and even values change through experiences and decisions. Traits, however, are common to us all and do not really change much. To the best of our knowledge, bar some kind of brain injury, personality traits become a little less extreme over time, but only a little. Whatever you’ve got, get used to it. It’s yours now and you will probably keep it. But if you find yourself exhausted because your preferences aren’t being met, there are a few things you can keep in mind.
What’s the Point
Be aware. If you have not had your personality assessed, I will highly recommend that you look into it. Find a reputable practitioner who will administer your assessment and debrief it with you so you understand what your scores mean. Of course I offer this service, but there are hundreds of wonderful certified coaches and consultants who can do this for you too. They will explain your personality and how you might find yourself interacting with others. This way, you will know what your preferences are so you can advocate for them, as well as learning where you can compromise with preferences that are different from your own.
Now compensate and compromise whenever possible. Some things are just not in my wheelhouse, but I have to do it. For instance, I have a very low score in Need for Praise, which means that I neither want praise, nor is it in my preferences to give praise to others. In the past, I never even thought about it. How would this work for someone who motivates people to change professionally? Not well! So part of my process is building in opportunities for me to praise others, while avoiding situations where people would heap attention on me. You’ll never catch me at my own birthday party.
Leave the things you really can’t do. Trust me here, as much as I want to tell you that you can do anything you want, some things aren’t worth the effort. You spend energy working against your preferences, and your energy is not infinite. It runs out eventually. If you’re feeling constantly run down and on edge, you may be spending too much time too far away from your preferences. Introverts can’t pretend to be extroverts forever. Strategic people can’t pretend to be task oriented forever. Try to leave the things that just aren’t natural for you to someone else. Stick to your preferences as much as you can.
Life is just easier when you know what you like.
*Erika Weed is a doctoral candidate at The George Washington University, studying leadership and trying to reconcile the seemingly competing goals of happiness and success, for herself and others.
Originally published at www.ascendry.com
